hola world. i beings back soon :) in the meanwhile since I still have a reason to be emo, I will be at my LJ. The link is on the left :)

Buffy
6 June 1992- 23 March 2006

(wanted to put a picture up, but then I'd start to cry every time I looked at it.)

Thanks for growing up with me buddy and for being the most sweet, gentle and loving dog in the world. You will be missed by generally just about anyone who's ever played with you.
Thank you for going with me to school every morning (even if it was just to look at the girls), giving me Hi5s, rolling with me on the floor trying to imitate whatever movements I made, knowing how to tell me you've run out of water by picking the dish up and dropping it repeatedly, getting excited every time you got to go for a drive, just sitting with me whenever shit happened, giving me a kiss on my leg every morning and whenever I opened a door for you, finding your way back home and just waiting outside the gate when we've locked you out accidentally, playing that stupid game with the car whenever we reverse into the driveway, waiting for downstairs when i'm up late studying or watching tv and when i take too long to eat, licking people ALL the time and never ever biting anyone, not even that little bird you once caught that was unharmed once you let it go to fly away.

I didn't know that last thursday would be the I saw your face actually smiling or have your tongue lick me or having you give me a kiss in the morning on my leg. Or that that thursday night would be the last time I'd stay up trying to make you sleep cos you seemed to be having trouble. Nor did I realise that on Sunday when they let us bring you home, and we had to bring you home later cos you refused to eat, was the last time I'd ever see you really happy in the car, using what little energy you had to prop your head at the window.

The house is that much quieter without you, which is quite ironic since you're actually really quiet in the first place. A little lump of white is just missing.

I will miss you more than you will ever know, buffpuff. Thanks for the 15 years.

*

Remember how I mentioned bad things come in threes? I had a feeling it would be this, I just never said it you know... just in case i jinxed it.

So I woke up this morning, mum called from the vet and buffy collapsed. I cabbed over, got out of the cab wayyy to early, and fucking ran 3km to the clinic (ya like drama serial liddat) when I got there he was vomiting every 5 minutes then starting pooping out blood :( doc said we had to decide whether to put him down today. then he starting to breathe really oddly (sounded like darth vader, and that is not meant to be funny) and went blind. It was just pure torture watching him rapidly deteriorate. And 'There can be miracles' starts to play on the radio. They started to hand pump some air bag thing. Mum sent me out to find my lost brother, we were waiting for the doctor to finish surgery so he could come but him to sleep. I was gone for TWO minutes. Just TWO minutes and when I went back in his heart had stopped. I think mum told the nurse to pump slower or something so I won't have to see the moment he died. I suppose at least I did not have to see him be put to sleep. We could have resuscitated him but it would have been no use. Of course i went bloody freaking hysterical, good thing i didn't hit the vet. When i calmed down we just sat in a room staring at his cold blue body for awhile it was like losing an immediate family member. Everything is just so surreal and part of your brain still has this hope that you'll go home and he'll be waiting for you at the door. The thing is I still do not know why he died, all his organs were perfectly fine, except for the enlarged heart of course but even that was holding up. I'm guessing brain damaged from Friday's heart attack.

All that crying and hyperventilating has worn me down. I can't sleep much at night cos he's not beside me, so I am dead tired. And all I just want to do is sleep for a very long time till it goes away, but every time I close my eyes I start to cry.

At least the dismal A level results weren't that bad, nor are the prospects of not getting into uni, they can be redone, I can't bring my dog back to life. But like Jill says, it really cannot get much worse than this.

The sucky thing about life is you can't die when you feel like it cos if you commit suicide you'll go straight to hell. So you just have to carry on roaming the streets of this living hell till your time comes. And that inevitably, some other form of tragedy will strike again. Just a thought, don't worry I am not going to kill myself anytime soon.

Okay I think that's all I have to say and should say, I know I am not supposed to let this break me, but I'm feeling otherwise. Cos it's just that much worse when the friend that was always there to comfort you when you're upset, isn't there anymore.

Buffy is in 'no will to live' mode again, so we couldn't take him home today :( sigh. I spent my day with my head stuck in a dog cage cos once again, he cannot stand up.

In somewhat happier random news in an attempt to salvage my blog from being purely emo angst...

I saw the phantom of the opera 3 times when they came the last time and I cannot for the life of me remember the story at all. All I remember is that I used to carry around a stufftoy of Furball the cat

(The accident prone cat from tiny toons. Explains a lot, no?) And the phantom waved at me and my damn cat when they were taking their bows during 2 of the shows cos he recognized the small little girl with the big blue cat that was half her size sitting in the front row at a few of his shows T_T
Anyway, tickets are really hard to get this time round x(

Surf's Up! New penguin movie! I bet one of them dies x(

Mangosteens are the new love of my life. I tried them for the first time in my 18 years of existence, and I quite like it :)

Thanks for praying you guys <3 or at least to the ones who've told me you will. He's actually better, still possibly brain damaged. Acting a bit loco. One day he's lost the will to live, won't eat won't move. The next he won't stop moving. The problem is there are no tests to see if anything in his brain has been affected.

The ultrasound showed some problem in his intestines, either inflammation or cancer. Obviously I am hoping it's the former rather than the latter. We can bring him home tomorrow, thank god. i feel like i'm living in the pet hospital myself.

I've made friends with another 15year old maltese, Nukie's, owner. lol. It is quite startling how both dogs' lives are similar. Cept that Nukie won't let people brush his teeth so he's had maggots grow in there twice x( Well anyway, we're gonna embark on some weird holistic light healing for dogs. Apparently people come over and shine some strange light on the dogs and they're rejuvenated. It comes highly recommended, I know it sounds damn strange. But there's nothing else to try really.

We might have to put. him. to. sleep.

When I went back in the morning, he just stares at you, dazed. Then suddenly stands up and becomes lucid. Then flops back down. He's been force fed, and he kept the food down! but he got diarrhea by the time i went back in the evening.

Doctor goh said they still dunno what's wrong with him. All his organs are still okay as are his blood results. Might be senile or something, not brain damaged cos when he came home he knew where his water dish and stuff were. Can't really tell if he recognizes us or not :( cos now he's too weak to even respond.

This mystery is just damn frustrating not knowing why he won't eat. Cos obviously, if you don't know the problem you can't really fix it.

The last option is an ultrasound and he asked if we wanted to go through with it and like know what's going on, even if it's something damn terrible. But I don't understand the blood results are all normal, normally any organ failure would show in the results. We're doing the ultrasound cos we've never seen him this sad before, even after his previous heart attacks. Even the vet says so. So we wanna know if he's in pain.

The possibility of having to put him to sleep is just one of those things you block out of crossing your mind until a professional actually says it. and hoo boy when he did, you just stand there tears streaming down your face hoping he made a mistake

Shall wait for the ultrasound results tomorrow then see how. Hopefully by some God given miracle he'll start eating again. Or they'll find out what’s wrong and it can be cured.

Losing my longest best friend in the whole world really isn't an option right now :(

So! Time for my daily emo post. (I apologise, I do, it's just that's generally that's all life is lately, watch me wallow in self pity.)

Brought Buffy home today, doctor said he might have brain damage due to what happened. He let us take him home to see if he'll eat at home.

Unfortunately, he violently expels everything he imbibes. So he's thirsty but can't let him drink or he'll throw up. and when he does it's so freaking violent his whole body shakes. So he sits in the toilet by the water dish. But I can't give him any water. I've been sitting by his side in the damn toilet the whole day
He turns his head away when you put food in front of him.

He's so weak from not eating he stands up and automatically falls back down. He starts to shiver every now and then. Disorientated so he walks in circles sometimes and falls back down. His legs are red and raw from where they had to inject him.

His blood test results are still normal tho, thank god, so no organ failure.

Since he refused to eat we had to bring him back at night. I heard them put a dog to sleep while I was in the waiting room, the animal was howling and suddenly it stopped. Then a few minutes later they rushed this huge ass black fuzzy dog in and dunked him into the pool cos he had a heatstroke. When they took him out he died on the table a few minutes later.

So Buffy's been readmitted. He's just so tired and weak. Hope when I got back tomorrow he'll have eaten something. It’s been 3 days! :( -heart breaks-

i really enjoyed the concert :) wynne and james went for it too so i got a lift from church. yays

i saved a shetland sheepdog from being roadkill today. i was on the way to the vet to visit buffy and i saw the pooch running all over the place by the side of the road, at one point she ran onto a 3 lane road my heart almost stopped. managed to get her and brought her home, really well behaved pooch, alas without a collar. long story short the owner got her back.

i hope this earns me some..i dunno.. karma for dogs? so that buffy will be okay.

he's still throwing everything up. too weak to walk x( the cocker spaniel passed away. today there's a new mongrel with a kidney failure, the owner has to decide whether to put it to sleep by tomorrow. well, at least jacky went home

(yes i am aware that i talk about all these dogs like they are humans.)

This is why I could never be a vet.

I've been at the animal hospital for two days straight and I am about to shoot my head off. That place is one of the most depressing rooms in Singapore. It's terribly heartbreaking.

Jacky has a parasite in his blood. It kills his WBCs and then as an immune reaction, his RBCs kill themselves or something. I was there when the vet told the owners.

Rascal can't breathe so he has that oxygen helmet thing on but he still keeps panting so hard the plastic gets fogged up and he hits his head everytime he tries to move around in his cage.

Sydney has a spine problem so she can't move much of it hurts.

The cocker spaniel in the corner won't stop crying in pain. The owner just sat there cradling his head and crying the whole afternoon.

The no name baby chihuahua still has digestion problems

Zena went home today.

Buffy ate this morning! but he threw up his lunch. He's so sad :( I've never seen Buffy sad before. I really miss my white ball of fluff lying around the place :(
They're still trying to get the fluid out of his lungs. I hope his eating gets better and he can come home, I really won't know what to do if anything happens to him.

Oh. Did I mention that Buffy has an enlarged heart and it's pressing on his lungs. Hence he wheezes a lot especially after he drinks water. And the medication he takes for his heart keeps him alive for now but long term usage will eventually kill him?

but like i said in the previous entry. pray please?

in other random news.

I'm very sad I cannot go for the thingy tmw :( but at least there's rachel yamgata! Okay and I just talked to joK for a very long time, I do not understand why she will not go out with the retarded boy from her workplace.

(meant to post this yesterday, but d-land was down so i put it on lj first instead)

So buffy got admitted to hospital again. ICU this time. He had a heart attack this morning :( when I went back to visit him he was still on their oxygen mask helmet thing just lying there and the nurse said if we take it off he turns blue! my baby turns blue! :( and he hasn't eaten for a day! he wont eatt.I am calm now, cos I figure… okay I'd better not say it in case I jinx it, so nevermind.

But yea. If you believe in God please pray for him. And if you don't, cross your fingers? Or something. I'd appreciate it muchly.

oh. Buffy's my 15 year old dog by the way, in case uh.. you didn't know. i've had him since i was 3 :(

i suppose things could be worse like i could be dying or paralysed or going blind or something

i'm not the overly superstitious type. i don't mind walking under ladders, opening umbrellas indoors etc... but if the saying 'bad stuff comes in threes' is anything to go by... i hope whatever the third is, it doesn't break me, physically, mentally or spiritually.

I have found that I am only capable of talking to 6 people of late without getting upset, and these 6 people are the ones who're more or less going through the same shit. I can't talk to happy people.

I have to go to church later on today and I know I'm not going to be emotionally stable throughout because I know everyone is gonna ask how I did and people will say things, not intentionally I know, that will make me upset. Like how if I didn't study as much I would've done better and how it'll all be okay because God has a plan for me. I know he does, but right now unless you can tell me what that particular plan is (even if it is retaking) that really isn't much comfort [like joK said]. I also know that I should have more faith than that.
There's this bbq outreach thing at night. I promised Yunling I'd help her organize the food and bbq, so I will be there. I just hope I don't throw someone off the 7th floor. Maybe I'll just ignore people who ask :D cos the more i talk, the more i cry [I'm sure jayne will attest to that]

I'm effectively stable for now because I'm kinda in limbo and not allowing my thoughts to travel down the path of unhappy possibilities. I've got stuff to say about A's and future plans regarding retaking if I don't get in and such and such but I still can't articulate properly. You could say the thoughts are racing through my head like electron pairs! in um.. that orbital. Damnit, I don't even remember.

But just in case anyone thinks I'm being a emo-wemo just because i got bad grades, it's not that. It's just the regret. The regret of knowing that all of this was really my fault and that i did something about it way too late because I got complacent and lazy.

Just when you think it can't get much worse.

My mum isn't really talking to me. I've never seen her this disappointed before. And if you've met my mum, you'd know what I mean when I say this is quite our of character. Making it seem to me that it's the end of my world. I've been considering either doing biotech/business in uni. She suddenly decided to think that i've been wanting to do biotech all along and that now i can't get in anymore. so at family dinner i get a bunch of people coming up to me saying 'i heard you can't do your choice of course anymore, it's okay, try something else, it'll all work out.'

The rest of the dinner really didn't go down well. My 29year old cousin decided this was the day to pick an argument with me over a goddamned song, shouted at me, and long story short, it ended up with him going "I hope this makes you feel smarter about yourself since you need to" talk about kicking someone when they're down.

I was going to try to retake my SATs so that I can use it to help me get into SMU. It's a long shot but I've seen it work before. Unfortunately, I just found out applications for SMU close in April and SATs are in May, so that's that.

And in the midst of all this I can feel myself slipping, slipping and slipping away from God when I should be thanking Him for allowing me to make an improvement from prelims, the only one who can actually help me work a miracle and make it all better, while anyone else in despair seems to be turning towards Him. Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming God for any of this. I know that He still loves me and that everything will be okay in the end and that everything happens for a reason.. blah blah blah..

But I am just so tired.
(And I don't know how all of this will be okay.)

Had my first nightmare about results. Thankfully mine only started last night. Haha. B C D C6 and a U for CLB. Hoho. Just nothing lower than a C tomorrow and I will be over the moon. I just hope I don't start crying after i get the results. Haha. O levels was terrible! We were all crying even before the results came out, but all girls school la, so nevermind. But I think I can handle myself better this time! Rightright? Meh. Who am i kidding. I apologise in advance if i annoy anybody tomorrow with my blubbering and tears :(

First and second driving lessons today! I was SO scared. Up till today the only driving related game I've played is Burnout Revenge on the Xbox360 where you intentionally hit every other car in sight. Could never play Daytona at the arcades, for obvious reasons. Thankfully the instructors at the school are really nice and patient! And they have a brake pedal in the passenger seat for themselves so I feel a lot safer, I feel bad for them though. Imagine having to sit in cars with noobs the whole day. Haha. Very nerve wrecking

I'm taking auto cos my mum made me, she says it's easier to pass. I feel like such a wuss. Everyone else I know is taking manual. Haha. I'll switch if I can handle auto :)

Have come to the conclusion that it's time to start lifting weights! The steering wheel is so uber stiff. I suck at turning. I spent the second lesson just going around the circuit in one direction! On the wider lane some more :( Boo. But the instructor was better although he spoke mostly in Chinese. Haha. It doesn't help because even with the seat at the highest level I cannot see properly! Apparently it doesn't matter cos I just have to keep looking straight. But aiya. Ohoh. I got to drive at 40km/h! Haha. Shiok.

I also seem to be quite bad at braking. Haha. I did what I did when I went cycling with jill+one campers in 2004. At a bend, instead of turning, I end up going straight and into the lane of on coming traffic. Poor instructor. Haha. Had to hit his brake peddle and grab my wheel.

Kay. Haha. I'm getting better! Or none of you will sit in my car EVER.

Results!
Friday!
...balls

Technically I don't really know what I need to get into uni. So it can't be as bad as o levels where I knew I needed maximum 14 points or i die :) Okay. I know, I'm in denial. Leave me be please.

But then again I failed my way through JC so I'm not essentially sure how this is going to turn out... Argh. Okay. Must remember Sec3/4 chem where i never passed once till O levels. Optimism!!! At least Grey's and OTH come out on friday i guess. and possibly baking!

I was adding album artwork to my new songs on my mum's mac and I realised I use her computer to download songs, play songs, update Pyro (my ipod) and to download pictures and edit them. Everything else, I use my PC for. It'd be more convenient to have everything on one computer instead of always having to send photos over.

My PC is the frankenstein of PCs. Haha. It's put together by various old computer parts and held up with masking tape, I live in perpetual fear of losing my files. It barely has any space too. But i swore I'd never succumb to steve jobs and his empire! Nooooo.

Then I told her I'm considering getting one (we get 50% off!, sorta), which will make my brother incredibly happy (his hobby is practically collecting apple products). Then she points to something next to my CPU and goes 'There! Use it. We have an extra anyway'

!!!!!!!!!!! Who the hell just happens to have extra computers just lying around? Okay, granted including laptops the ratio of computers in this house to users is 2.3:1. But still, it's damn psycho.

She just got an imac cos she didn't like my brother's old powermac but my bro thinks it's too powerful for me :( So maybe I'll sell this one for $2k. and buy a mac mini for $500. Haha. Earn $1.5k still! I feel bad though, I don't need it and I think mum still needs my PC for her FOM newsletter. see how I guess

Oh, the guilt.

oh yea. we take this season very seriously.

So! Chinese new year with my pseudo chinese families on both sides was fun. Reunion dinner was the usual Chinese fare. Dad's side ordered sharks fin again >:( I'm this close to throwing a fit. Sigh.

When it came time to do the whole lo hei thing it was quite amusing. You're supposed to shout auspicious cheng yu right? right?! It's my family so I wouldn't be surprised if we're doing it wrong. Haha. Anyway we didn't know any! I got as far as "du shu hen hao" hahahaha. Can right? It's got four characters and it's got a good enough meaning. Besides, all my cousins couldn't top that! So.. *beams with pride*
Over at mum's side it wasn't much better. At least we knew ourselves well enough not to even attempt Chinese :P
See! I am the progeny of two families that can't speak Chinese for nuts. Haha. so it's not my fault I'm kentang :P At least I know that cheese sticks are not a traditional chinese dish unlike some people right JILL?

Oh. I won 5 bucks gambling! Haha. It would have been 11 but I went all crazy and put 6 oranges out on the last round x( haha. we play with chips and oranges. 1 orange=10 chips. Ah well. Easy kum easy go. Hahaha. Get it? I'm so funny.

And I am stuffed with kueh lapis and bak kwa. Bak kwa tastes great with maggi seasoning by the way, randomly decided to use them together. Ugh I feel unhealthy enough to attempt to exercise some time this week.

Mm. Friendly Acquisition just got me 40++ new songs which I shall go listen to right now :D bye.

Hello diaryland! I'm back! I'm sorry I abandoned you for my lj!

Before I left for BTT yesterday Ruby told me that I'd better learn to drive properly if not instead of driving her to KK market we'll end up in KK hospital :( haha. such faith. Well I passed! Haha.

Wa wa. Watch out world! I am hitting the roads while I can barely see over the steering wheel!

And I went to Chinatown after. Some psycho wielding a water bottle walked past me and whacked me really hard with it :( then he shouted 'zhou(?) kai ah!' ('Go away' in Chinese) I wasn't even in his way la, wtf. I've got this 50cent coin sized black and blue on my arm now :( what is this man! Do I look like some punching bag to everybody! Now even strange Chinatown lunatics are hurting me. I am sad. If I ever get married I hope my husband isn't abusive :(

no, motorola you spawn of the devil! i will not succumb and buy another one of your phones after the mymaroon one dies.

... but... but it's so pwetty. and it's got buttons on the front! and it's got a red backlight.. drools.

yay I got these. Macrolus Hotsticks. The red and the purples. Cheapcheap from America too :)

no space for a drum set at home though :(

haha cheat at twirling!

ipod sticks! :O

whee. Haha I wan. Also, last week I had the urge to get a tattoo, cut my hair short and join a rock band. Then again, that's just hypocrisy on my part since the closest I'd get to all that is chopping my locks off :P